Blowing Up U.S. Federal Buildings

may be prohibited by law or regulation having force of law

If things are getting dull, you may want to consider blowing up Federal buildings. A well-chosen target can make things exciting. A poorly-chosen target, however, can lead to embarrassment.

For purposes of this thought exercise, we assume that you will consider the White House in Washington. Here are some ``pro'' tips to avoid beginner mistakes.

  1. Do not contact
    B-One Internet and Jihad Service
    Internet City Bldg 9
    Dubai, 500401
    p: +45 469 071 00
    f: +45 702 058 72
    to obtain a ``Junior Jihad'' grant. Lord knows, these B-One people have enough reputational difficulties without being associated with crazy people blowing things up!
  2. Do not create a bank account with a really bogus name. If you do not have the money to hand, and need to save up, be careful in creating the savings account at the bank. Names like ``Mike Hunt'' are so much better than names like ``Gov. Rick Scott's Special Account Not Saving to Buy Explosives'' because, despite the innocent-sounding name, the latter will still draw unwanted attention.
  3. Do not open the bank account without proper Federal authorization. Under the Patriot Act, the bank must ask for documentation showing that you are not a terrorist. Most banks will accept a letter from your supervisor, so long as it says that he has known you for at least six months and, during that time, you have neither blown stuff up nor shouted Mohammedan insults at infidels. Also a photo ID is good, and it is even better if the photo sort of looks like you.
  4. You will not successfully raise the money by participating in an advance fee or escrow laundry schemes such as those offered by B-One Internet & Scams Google Microsoft World Media Group Yahoo!
    A little hard work never hurt anyone, or so it is reported by people unsullied by the threat of manual labor.
  5. Do not purchase a whole case of dynamite at one time. People will look at you funny if you go in to the explosives store and say you want to buy a whole case of dynamite. Also, be careful, the stuff can be dangerous. If the clerks seem suspicious, do not just bull your way forward; instead, wink and say ``Sorry, I meant to ask for TNT substitute sticks, nudge, nudge.''
  6. Do not rent a semi-truck and tell them that you have an urgent delivery for
    Current Resident
    1600 Pennsylvania Ave
    Washington, DC 20003
    because the paperwork requirements for one-way truck rentals are more complicated. Just tell the truck rental company that you need it for an important delivery, and it does not matter if the truck is a little banged up already.
  7. Very important: do not put magnetic signs on the cab doors of the truck saying Junior Jihad Surprise Delivery. Some people have strong feelings about companies having middle-eastern-sounding names. Something like ``Spammy Sammy's Stuff & Smut'' will work much better, though nothing will help with those stuck-up people who just dislike being caught behind slow-moving trucks hauling dynamite and forklifts.
  8. Another important thing to avoid is calling the Secret Service. If you call them and ask them to remove the jersey barricades from Pennsylvania Ave, they are going to talk your ears off. You will probably be on the phone for over a half-hour, and it is a long-distance call.
  9. Do not steal a forklift and load it on the semi along with the dynamite. Keep it legit, pay the one-way rental fee. After you have moved the jersey barricades, be a good guy: call the rental company and tell them where to pick it up. A really good guy would move the jersey barricades, pull the truck forward, and then put the barricades back before calling the forklift rental company.
  10. Do not just barge in driving the semi under White House portico. If your wind deflector will not clear under the chandelier, it is better to ask where they would prefer to receive deliveries.
  11. Do not discuss any of your plans on the internet or using e-mail. The spooks are already capturing and archiving pretty much all web traffic and e-mail. They have hundreds of naked cheerleader pictures, and more girls riding topless camels than you ever knew existed. They have carefully curated the entire ``old'' Galitsin archive, and almost all the Tracy Lords films that have been digitized. Also, they have every e-mail you ever sent, and have carefully screened them for the words "bomb", "dynamite", "junior jihad grant", "prism", and "echelon". The word "carnivore" is no longer checked. If you must use the internet, always use code words and phrases. For instance, say "carnivore" instead of "bomb", "nosy surveillance program" instead of "dynamite", and "loud noise" instead of "massive explosion".
  12. We should not have to keep reminding people, but: do not obscure the name of the rental company on the forklift! In most states this can lead to a presumption that you intended to steal the forklift, and that is generally a felony.

Just by following these few simple steps, you may avoid trouble. And if you have any questions, that's a shame.

Disclaimers: Damaging U.S. government buildings may be against the law in the applicable jurisdiction. Fully discuss your plans with an attorney licensed in your state before taking any affirmative steps toward causing any loud noise. Pay no attention to the e-mail links for various spammers, they are just free publicity.
Taking part in paypal pyramid schemes, triple-click promotions, ant mailers, and the like are often forms of mail fraud and could be investigated by the postal inspectors when they build up sufficient ambition.

Politeness notice: You should not add any of the e-mail addresses of any of the enthusiastic persons you find in this silly shopping page to your mailing list, unless you are sure that they would be interested.